Brooks Pounders (Colorado Rockies)
Well pound my brook and call me a river. I doubt the Pounders family has a long history of pounding brooks, but I would be disappointed if Brooks wasn’t a strike throwing machine. You know, a guy who just pounds the zone.
Aaron Bummer (Chicago White Sox)
Every time he takes the mound, he’s a disappointment. He doesn’t receive boos, only sighs. He is… the most disconcerting man in the world.
Jarrod Saltalamacchia (Detroit Tigers)
Where do you even start with this one? I mean seriously, talk about excessive. I could understand if your last name was Macchia. I’d probably think ‘hey that’s a little weird, but I’ll roll with it.’ You could even get away with Lamacchia. “Hi, Larry Lamacchia, nice to meet ya. We’ve got some great deals for you today at Larry Lamacchia’s Used Cars and Old Horses! How bout I show you around?” I’m not saying I’d let him show me around, but I’d consider it. I would at least be respectful. However, once you throw some salt onto that nonsense, I simply don’t know how I can continue. Salt is great on some things, don’t get me wrong. I’ll take it on eggs every day, just don’t put it on my lamacchia.
Cheslor Cuthbert (Kansas City Royals)
If anyone in this man’s family has a lisp, this is seriously fucked up.
Jedd Gyorko (St. Louis Cardinals)
Now the fun in this one is first figuring out what the hell is going on. Jedd is nice and straightforward. It sounds a little too much like an anime character, but at least you know what you’re saying. It’s at the Gyorko where things start to go off the rails. Honestly, when have you ever seen a word start with the letters G Y? I mean there is gyroscope and everything gyro related, but this only makes things more confusing here. We would have to pronounce his name jai-york-oh. Sadly, the underrated utilityman doesn’t go by jai-york-oh. He doesn’t go by guy-ork-oh either. He goes with something that makes even less sense. Jerk-oh. That’s right. His name is Jedd Jerk-oh, and he plays baseball for the St. Louis Cardinals.
Sam Tuivailala (St. Louis Cardinals)
The son of the famous Sam Threeivailala, Sam Tuivailala has a plus fastball and decent command. He also plays for the St. Louis Cardinals, where he and Jedd Gyorko play scrabble after every home game. Most importantly, he has the most sing-able name in the league. Too-ee-va-la-la. Lee dee da da too ee va la laaaaaaaa.
Brad Boxberger (Arizona Diamondbacks)
“Welcome to Buddy’s Burger joint, my name’s Brad, would you like your burger boxed today?”
“I haven’t even ordered yet.”
“Why would I want my burger boxed up before I even start eating it?”
“Oh, is it your first time at Buddy’s Burger Joint?”
“Ah, well here at Buddy Burger Joint, we give you the option of boxing your burger in with one of our signature box buns.”
“Umm, alright. I guess I’ll try it.”
“Perfect. My name’s Brad.”
Lonnie Chisenhall (Cleveland Indians)
I once played a concert in Chisen Hall. It was right next to a statue of chiseled balls. Guy named Lonnie made it.
Kyle Barraclough (Miami Marlins)
This is exactly what you want it to be. That’s right. Bear Claw. Not Bar-uh-cloge or Bar-uh-cloo or Bear-uh-claw. Just Bear Claw. I hope he has large hands and enjoys pastries.
Brad Hand (San Diego Padres)
This one gets me every time. I don’t know what it is. I just can’t get the image out of my head of this guy walking up to me, sticking out his hand and with a straight face, saying “Brad Hand.” It would be tempting to point at him and say “You Brad?” then point at his hand and say “this hand? Then he would have to motion up and down his entire body and say, “No, this all Brad Hand.”
Shin-Soo Choo (Texas Rangers)
Try and say this one ten times fast. When I was a kid, I always thought that when someone said “say that ten times fast” it meant that I had to say it at ten times the speed of normal speech and just keep saying it over and over. I’ve come to learn, however, that it simply means you must execute the saying a total of ten times, and it must be done fast. Fast is a vague and relative term, however, so it opens up a lot of possible cheating scenarios to be run in riddle contests. What a shame.
Daniel Stumpf (Detroit Tigers)