Six Things People Say that Make You Cringe and Die a Little Bit

“I’m just saying”

Are you? Are you just saying? Or is there something more you want to say? Huh? Huh? Is there? Is there? “I’m just saying” is the cake-taker of passive aggressive comments. The words state that you are simply saying, but the weight of the comment says everything else. When uttered after a declarative phrase and an opposing rebuttal, “I’m just saying” usually means something like “you’re a stupid idiot and I’m definitely right about this and you should listen to me, but you know what, just do what you want. Don’t say I didn’t tell you so.” The conversation usually goes something like this:

“You probably shouldn’t do that.”

“I’m doing it.”

“I’m just saying…”

Eye roll*

The conversation could easily go:

“You probably shouldn’t do that.”

“I’m doing it.”

“You’re about as dumb as a frog and I’m definitely right about this and you should listen to me, but you know what, just do what you want. Don’t say I didn’t tell you so.”

Eye roll*

When inserted before a declarative phrase, “I’m just saying” usually signifies that somebody feels very strongly about something but doesn’t want to come across too aggressive. The conversation usually goes something like this:

“I’m just saying, I think it would be better if you didn’t throw an orange at Dianne’s new kitten.”

“Well, too bad.”

The conversation could easily go something like this:

“You’re literally the dumbest person I’ve ever met and it would be the absolute worst idea in the world if you threw that orange at Dianne’s new kitten.”

“Fuck off.”

“I’m just saying” saves you from being told to fuck off in this situation, but “Well, too bad” means the exact same thing, and the hint of passive aggression on both sides leaves each person mumbling in their own heads for a while about the other party. Stop “just saying” and just say it, dammit!

 

 

“Not to sound racist, but…”

Insert something racist here. The conversation usually goes something like this:

“Not to sound racist, but there are like… a lot of Dungeon People in here.”

Awkward mumble*

The conversation could easily go something like this:

“The amount of Dungeon People in this establishment is making me feel uncomfortable and I’m probably more racist than I originally thought.”

“I don’t know what to say to this.”

If you want to make things really awkward, this a great phrase to use. If you don’t want your friends to slowly distance themselves from you, it’s probably best to keep those thoughts in your head. Maybe do a little introspection, too. Or meditation. Or yoga. Or meth. No, don’t do meth. Try crack first. I’m kidding. Don’t do drugs. Or at least don’t do those drugs.

 

 

“Here’s the thing…”

Oh god. Just stop. Whatever thing you want to perpetuate, I don’t want to hear it. I feel demeaned, already. The conversation usually goes something like this:

“I enjoy butter on my toast.”

“Well, here’s the thing. Butter is actually a social construct. We made it up, it simply doesn’t exist.”

“Hmm, interesting.”

The conversation could easily go something like this:

“I enjoy butter on my toast.”

“You’re wrong, I’m right. Through my cadence and phrasing, I’m going to come across like I know what I’m talking about and am very confident, but I really have no idea what I’m saying and just want to win this argument so this small victory can propel me through my meager day. Butter is actually a social construct. We made it up, it simply doesn’t exist.”

“Just take this one. I don’t care.”

The thing here is that “here’s the thing” might work the first time, but after that, everyone knows that you still have no idea what you’re talking about. The thing is, most of us rarely ever actually know what we’re talking about. That’s the thing.

 

 

“Literally…”

This one has become quite versatile somehow. It has taken on a confusing form, often used to convey exactly the opposite of what the word actually means. Maybe the most commonly seen use of “literally” however, is for emphasis. The conversation usually goes something like this:

“I don’t enjoy watermelon in the summer.”

“That’s literally the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Is it though?”

The conversation could easily go something like this:

“I don’t enjoy watermelon in the summer.”

“Dude, what is wrong with you? You seriously must have some issues to not enjoy watermelon in the summer. I think you’re stupid because of this. You are so stupid. How could you be so fucking stupid?”

“I’m not stupid, you’re stupid.”

Or, the conversation could go like this:

“I don’t enjoy watermelon in the summer.”

“That’s literally the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”

No. You’re doing this wrong. You mean figuratively. You almost always mean figuratively. Why? Why is everyone doing this? Why would you use a word if you need to portray the exact opposite meaning of the word? How can you live with yourself?”

“Jesus Dave, I didn’t know you felt so strongly about English.”

“I don’t, I’ve just had enough. I mean, you’ve obviously heard something dumber than me saying I don’t enjoy watermelon in the summer. Don’t get me wrong. Don’t get me wrong Patrick, I could see how you think that’s dumb. I respect your opinion. You have the right to think my seasonal fruit desires are misguided. But it’s not “literally” the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard. I was there, Pat. I was there when your drink at Starbucks was exactly four dollars and you gave the cashier five dollars and he couldn’t figure out how much change to give you. I was there, Pat. I saw it with my own eyes.”

“Alright alright, point taken. Jeeze.”

 

 

“I’m sorry, but…”

Holy tater tots this one makes me cringe. If I wanted to feel this worthless I would have just gone to the strip club. This one usually holds very strong levels of passion and hatred behind it, too. The conversation usually goes something like this:

“Bananas make me angry.”

“I’m sorry, but bananas are definitely the greatest thing ever.”

The conversation could easily go something like this:

“Bananas make me angry”

“I… fucking… hate you. Everything about you upsets me. The way your chicken legs fling outward when you run. The way your eyes dart away whenever a girl dares to look at you. The way your face scrunches up like a cheap sponge whenever you even get the slightest bit upset about the most trivial things. And then this. Then you say this!? That bananas make you angry. Fuck you. Seriously, just fuck you.”

“Wow.”

 

 

“Shame on you!”

Who the hell died and made you the caster of shame? What gives you the right? Who gave you the all-wielding power to declare shame, of all things? Oprah said that somebody can only make me feel a certain way if I allow them to. (I don’t know if Oprah actually said that, but it sounds like something she would say.) The conversation usually goes something like this:

Doug: “Dude, how funny would it be if I stole this guy’s bag of chips while he was eating them?”

Doug’s friend, DeRobAndre: “Pretty freaking funny, dude.”

Doug: “I’m gonna do it.”

*Doug steals the chips.

Random middle-aged white woman: *gasp “Shame on you!”

 

The conversation could easily go something like this:

Doug: “Dude, how funny would it be if I stole this guy’s bag of chips while he was eating them?”

Doug’s friend, DeRobAndre: “Pretty freaking funny, dude.”

Doug: “I’m gonna do it.”

*Doug steals the chips.

Random middle-aged white woman: *gasp “You’re a horrible human being! I’m a mother! You best give that man his bag of chips back, now! I’m a mother! You little shit, you’re going to hell for this. I’m a mother! I will cut your face! I will cut your face CLEAN OFF YOUR HEAD! I hope my kids never end up like you, you ugly piece of garbage! I’m a mother!”

Doug’s friend, DeRobAndre: “Damn, that lady was insane.”

Doug: “Yeah. I think she goes to my church…”

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10 Comments

  1. *standing, reading this post on a corkboard* Ha!! This is hilarious! 😀
    *walks over and sits next to you on the bench, as a friend, contemplative and nonthreatening* Hey. …Are you okay?

    Please feel free to tell me to “f*** off” if you want. 🙂 And I don’t mean to call you out in public. It’s perfectly okay with me if you’d rather delete this comment. There’s just not another way to ask, and I believe that people should be there for each other.

    (“Junk” email in case the bots get to this before you do: malocchio.rebuttal@gmail.com)

    Like

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