Can you pass the gravy?
Whether you need more gravy or not, you need more gravy. Seriously, you can never have enough gravy. Sure, it’s supposed to go on mashed potatoes, but if you’re not putting it on the turkey, you’re already behind. Besides, the turkey is already cold because of course it is, so you need that sweet sweet gravy to get the mean temperature of the plate back up to a reasonable level. Even if you only have sweet potatoes and green beans left on your plate, you best ask for the gravy. Start pouring or start guzzling. It’s your choice. Neither is wrong.
How bout them Cowboys?
This one’s a classic. Great for many situations, but perfect for Thanksgiving, because the Cowboys are actually playing. Plus, you get to find out who the closet Cowboys fan in your family is! There’s always one, I promise. He’s probably from Albany, New York and hasn’t watched a game in his life, but for some reason he’s a Cowboys fan. You never knew this. But now you do. Now you do.
Boy, this turkey sure is wonderful. Great job _____
When in doubt, compliment the cook. Compliment them on everything. Compliment every single item available. If you have to compliment the butter, you compliment the butter. Because you know what? Somebody got that butter out. They got it out and they let it soften, just so you could spread it with ease. If they didn’t let it soften, however, do not compliment the butter. In fact, consider making a sly remark about it. This is a totally acceptable situation to be a complete and utter dick in. Yeah, you didn’t make anything for Thanksgiving, but seriously, hard butter? Come on.
Wow, I want more food, but I’m just SO FULL!
Nobody will disagree with this. In fact, at least half the table will look at you like you were reading their minds. Several women will vocally conquer. This is when you let out your biggest groan. AAAOOOOGGGHHH. Then, you say something like “I’m going for it” or “can you pass the gravy?”
I can’t believe how tight my ass is!
Just kidding. Don’t say this. Don’t ever say this.
I think I’m gonna grab another drink, anyone want anything?
Say this. Say this a lot. Especially if you’re socially anxious or just hate everyone. If either of those are the case, you should constantly be saying this. People will always want another drink and your fidgety ass won’t have to sit still for fourty-five minutes awkwardly avoiding eye contact with somebody who you find attractive but aren’t sure if you’re related to. You’ve seen that guy like once before at a wedding, but you have no idea who he is. Do you ask somebody? Do you talk to him? No, you just avoid it. You avoid, and you ask if anyone wants another drink.
Do I smell pie?
Even if you don’t smell pie, ask if you smell pie. Why? Because somebody made a pie, and they’re fucking ecstatic you brought up pie. This is their time to shine. They’ll shoot out of that chair faster than a girl who sat on a spider. At least thirty percent of the table will also be ready to move on to dessert. Several will vocalize: “OH MAN I’VE BEEN SAVING ROOM FOR THAT PIE HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”