Guy With Computer Eager to Destroy Celebrity’s Life

Doug Robertson always wanted to be a famous musician. An avid lover of the guitar and a huge Beatles fan, Doug was certain his day would come. Unfortunately, like so many others, Doug’s dream never quite materialized, and he now works at a smoke shop downtown. We asked Doug’s father how he feels about his son’s path in life. “I’m disappointed. Very disappointed,” said the 58 year old hedge fund manager.

Doug’s mother, a schoolteacher, was seemingly supportive but ultimately passive aggressive. “You know, whatever Doug wants to do, I’ll always support him. Do I wish he chose to do something more meaningful? Of course, but he’ll always be my little Dougie, and I’ll always love him.”

We asked Doug how he felt about his own future, and he was surprisingly hopeful. “You know, I actually just bought a new computer, which is very exciting. I never had my own before because I wanted to remain connected with the natural world, you know? But now that I have one, I have come to understand my true calling. All this time I thought I was a musician, but I’ve realized my purpose on this earth is to ruin the lives of people who are actually successful. When they found Kevin Hart’s tweets from ten years ago, I almost felt like it was me who found them. And it could have been. I was close. I was so close. My time is coming, though. It’s only a matter of time.”

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